River of Time
by Bree In Diamonds
Summary: Sad sonfic. Duo is diagnosed with aplastic anemia and only has a short month to live. Heero opens up, learns to cry, and learns the true meaning behind the cross around Duo's neck


DISCLAIMER: Don't own 'em  
  
//I saw the river today and it made me feel okay,  
But I never ever had a lot to say,  
Reading a book take a look at a boat go by,  
oh, oh, oh, oh I sigh -//  
  
We would have never known it if he hadn't told us out of his very own  
mouth. He sat us down and just told us bluntly that he was dying. Yes, the  
Shinigami was meeting his closing stage. Quatre cried on the spot, showing  
strong emotions. Other than that, the room was hushed. Trowa embraced his  
koi, but never showed any true sentiments himself. Wufei pretended he  
didn't hear anything and left the room to continue his daily regimen. Then  
Duo's scared violet eyes sealed to mine, sending chills throughout my body.  
I knew he had been struggling to remain brave, even now. He asked me what I  
was thinking in a voice just slightly above a whisper. I tried to say I  
didn't know, but it turned out to be mouthed instead. Truth was, it felt  
like someone was struggling to pull me to the ground, only I wouldn't give  
in to it. My throat burned with a salty feeling, my skin itched, and even  
my eyes felt funny. I had soon come to the conclusion that it was the  
feeling of tears struggling to creep out. I wouldn't give in. Duo stepped  
closer to me. I had known of his feelings for me for quite some time, but  
never said or did anything about it. I knew that all he wanted to do right  
now was to not feel pained. Guess it was obvious the way I was acting. He  
spoke to me in a gentle tone, voice breaking on occasions. I didn't know  
what he was saying. My mind wasn't in this world. It would forever continue  
to remain that way as long as the world didn't have the footsteps of Duo  
Maxwell gracing his beautiful presence among its lands.  
  
//I've been throwing a coin into the river  
Make a wish as I watch the water quiver,  
Now and then I go walking by the river of time,  
Leaving all my thoughts behind//  
  
He had aplastic anemia. When he tried to explain this to me on what it was,  
I found my eyes wandering to the table I sat at, drowning in the largest  
body of water with the help of a two-ton weight. I briefly remember asking  
him in an almost no voice when his time was. I think he had said a month. I  
wasn't totally sure and I wasn't about to ask him again.  
Silence fell between us for minutes. My eyes made their home staring at  
Duo's clad chest. He had on his normal, the priest outfit with the red zip  
up underneath. His cross was visible. I had never liked to look at it and  
usually scolded him when it was flashing in the open, but right now I  
didn't care. If I could, I'd take back those times I said that, and any  
other time I scolded Duo for little things.  
His piece of jewelry calmed me. It made my heart beat with hope. Wait, hope  
for what? I didn't even realize what I was talking to myself about. But  
then it hit me. Duo never took off the cross, but he would always squeeze  
it in his hands every night before he went to bed and mumble something  
under his breath while closing his eyes. I frowned upon that. I rolled my  
eyes, telling him to grow up and stop being so lame. How stupid could he  
get? In fact, it wasn't stupid at all. Duo was praying. He prayed to be  
forgiven for the blood that was stained on his hands from the number of  
people he killed that particular day. That was his main one. We shared a  
bed at the safehouse currently residing in and have been for the past year  
and a half. The war was over, but Duo's prayers still came. He still prayed  
about being forgiven for the bloodshed, and even wished he hadn't called  
himself the God of Death. He didn't like the title. Although it fit him  
perfectly, he hated it. He prayed that being a gundam pilot would still  
give him peace in the afterlife. When I heard that said one night, I  
couldn't help but laugh. I thought he needed to grow up. He was being  
foolish. Still though, as much as I insulted him, hurt him, he would  
continue to fulfill it every night at the exact same time and spot. It  
disgusted me so much that I waited until he was finished to enter the room.  
I hate it even more now. Duo was a good person; his prayers should have  
been heard. There's no one among that deserves to live other than Duo. As  
of late, he told me he's been praying that we wouldn't feel any pain  
because of this. No other prayers were said over the nights, just that one.  
He never missed a day.  
I hadn't known just how important it was until now. All prayers are heard.  
The ones that are granted is a gift to those who deserve it and believe in  
them.  
  
//I saw the river today and it made me feel free,  
Oh tell me what is happening to me,  
I catch my reflection and suddenly see,  
The man the boy couldn't be//  
  
I tensed briefly as Duo reached behind the back of his neck and unclipped  
the chain. Clenching the cross in his hands, he passed it onto me. I felt  
my heart jump. It wasn't because Duo was giving me something to always  
remember him by; it was because I think I finally understood the true  
meaning of the simple vertical and horizontal single lines.  
I took it. The silver cross lay in the palm of my hand while the thin  
necklace part dragged slowly across the table. I couldn't part my eyes from  
it. This was Duo's most precious possession. I ask why he's giving it to  
me. He just simply smiles back at me, saying it would protect and guide me  
wherever I went and that he didn't need it where he was going.  
The silver piece immediately got washed over by the sweat of my palm as I  
shook unnoticeably with heavy emotions I never felt before. My eyes began  
burning. Where he was going? What did he mean by that? When I ask him, he  
just simply replies by saying his condition was a curse. It was a  
punishment given to him. He said it was a last minute gift from God so he  
wouldn't have to see his face show up at his precious pearly gates.  
I was overcome with a unique sensation. Duo was as pure as they came. Just  
because he assumed the role as the God of Death doesn't mean he sympathizes  
with the devil! I try to tell him that. I don't know if it's working or  
not. I'm not good at these sorts of talks, but I knew it was now or never.  
Duo would soon be gone, as much as I hated to admit that. God didn't hate  
him. He hates no one. I tried to get it to him that even a nun could  
develop what he had, or someone even of the higher worshiping level.  
I rested my hand timidly over his. His head was lowered. I seized that  
opportunity to stare at his angelic face. He was beautiful. If only I  
noticed before. I was a damn fool.  
In the middle of scolding myself, his eyes became glossy and two tears  
slide evenly down his pale face. I new he was scared and I was scared for  
him. Watching my angel cry put the first set of tears in my eyes ever and  
built up for release. When they had fallen, Duo caught sight of this and  
smiled. He then added that he never thought he'd see me cry. With his  
fingertip, he traced the tear line down my right cheek slowly. My heart  
pounded in fear. What was going to happen next? Suddenly, surprising both  
of us, I released the cross onto the table and took hold of Duo's hand into  
mine, gripping it tightly, silently vowing he'd always be by my side.  
  
//So I'm throwing my youth into the river,  
Make a wish as I watch the water quiver,  
Now and then I go walking by the river of time,  
Leaving all my thoughts behind  
Winter comes and goes, and the wind it blows,  
Still the water flows, and everybody knows,  
Come the summertime, all the churches chime  
For the river of time//  
  
Duo was diagnosed just two months ago. Usually this is developed at an  
early stage in life, but he managed to snake his way past it and have no  
problems up until now. In the recent past, I've noticed that his breathing  
had become shorter and he tired out more frequently and faster in battle.  
The question lingered on my mind on whether or not I wanted to ask him  
about it or not. I decided not to. It was none of my business. He didn't  
mean anything to me anyway. Just another stepping-stone I needed to  
overcome in my journey to bring the colonies back to total pacifism. I  
regret those words now. Seeing the braided boy in front of me, scared, and  
knowing that he only has a month left to live, I ease the tensions between  
us and kiss the trembling hand I hold in my sweaty grip.  
  
//I saw the river today and I started to cry,  
Cause the promise it made was a lie,  
Stumbling brook you're a crook, take a look and see  
See what you've done to me//  
  
We spend a wonderful late afternoon together that day. Just us. We held  
hands as we walked along the beach that was just steps away from the  
safehouse. He rested his head on my shoulder. It was amazing; I went my  
whole life without shedding a single tear, now that I have learnt on what  
it's like to cry, I couldn't stop. It felt good to not force my emotions to  
stay in. I wanted to be more open with Duo to tell him how I felt, but I  
couldn't gather up the right words. It hurt. I've never felt so human  
before. J has always taught me to be ruthless and obeying in battle and  
that I should not come in contact with anyone on the outside world. Anyone  
who sees me should have died. Even though I was raised to be a "Perfect  
Solder", I couldn't kill unless I had a reason to. Relena quickly caught  
onto that. So did J and he stopped giving me those sorts of missions. I  
didn't like the joys of killing, only when it was of those who were after  
my life. They were my enemies. Then I met the other four. I hated them from  
the get go. They were in my way, period. I wanted to accomplish a goal in  
life and four bodies were suffocating me. Duo with his bouncy ways, Trowa  
with his solitude, Quatre with his sickening weakness of caring for others  
and mothering everyone, and Wufei. Wufei stayed away from me and I stayed  
away from him. We respected each other's privacy. But now, I wanted nothing  
more than to have my friends with me at a time like this. As much as I  
craved to be alone, even I need comfort every now and then. I could settle  
for Quatre's emotions right now. I felt relieved now that we could  
communicate.  
  
//So I'm throwing my heart into the river,  
Forget the wish that you never could deliver,  
Now and then I go walking by the river of time,  
Leaving all my thoughts behind  
Winter comes and goes, and the wind it blows,  
Still the water flows, and everybody knows,  
Come the summertime all the churches chime  
For the river of time//  
  
The sun is setting now as we both sit in the soft sand below us, hips  
touching as I bring my arm around his back and pull him closer to me. He  
continues to lay his head on my shoulder. I'm still letting loose tears. I  
know this day has to end sooner or later. I had prayed and wished that time  
would freeze, just this one time. I'd give anything to tell Duo how I truly  
felt about him. He isn't the braided baka, moron, stupid ass that we all  
thought he was. It was Duo's way of communicating and telling us that  
everything would be okay and we'd all live to see tomorrow. Without Duo's  
idiotic sense of humor, we probably all would have been workaholic  
deadbeats with no lives. At least Duo captured several of the good nature  
qualities in us one way or another.  
As I look over at him, I see he has his eyes shut and that he's breathing  
steadily. I'm relieved. He looked so at peace that it was hard to ever  
think that he was battling for his life on the inside.  
I reached my hand up to my throat and brushed my fingertip slowly down the  
chain and gripped the cross in my hand, staring at the sunset before me. I  
remembered what Duo had told me earlier when he gave me this cross. He said  
that one wish would come true to its new true owner if the owner believed  
in its power. It didn't take me two seconds to realize what I wanted. Duo's  
condition was inevitable and I didn't want to waste my single wish on  
hoping he would make it through, because it was hopeless. I did the only  
thing I could do and that was wish that he wouldn't feel any pain when the  
time came. I prayed and mouthed the words with all my heart and even looked  
up at the night sky with teary filled eyes. I kept whispering 'please' over  
and over again.  
I hadn't realized how much I said it until we were completely consumed by  
darkness. The sun had gone down. It was time to go back. I shook Duo's  
shoulder timidly so I wouldn't frighten him as he slept. Two shakes. Three.  
I panicked and called out his name. I released his hand that I had been  
holding and it fell limply onto the sand. Attempting to wake him once more,  
it was futile. Duo passed on earlier than expected. Words of disbelief were  
cried throughout the night air as I hugged Duo close to me as if he were  
still alive. I whispered into his ear how much he meant to me. Tears  
streamed down my face now at this point. I thought there would be no end to  
them. I had no desire at all to fight it.  
  
//So I'll keep throwing a coin into the river,  
Forget the wish that you never could deliver,  
Now and then I go walking by the river of time,  
Leaving all my thoughts behind//  
  
I was the last to place a single white rose on the top of Duo's casket as  
they prepared it for burial. I kissed it and placed it gently over the pink  
carnation that Quatre had just recently set down before I did. I stay there  
for a moment or two, whispering some farewell words to my best friend and  
colleague.  
An emotional Quatre approaches and hugs me. I more than gladly accept and  
hug him back. We both feel the painful loss in the hug and mentally swear  
we would always find a way to stay together. Maybe not in the same house,  
but never leave contact. I had no objections. It was a shame that this is  
what it took to think of the three as my very best friends in the world.  
I approach Trowa next. It's hard to tell what he was really feeling inside,  
but he was mourning over the loss with the first ever river of tears  
swimming around down on the catch before he blinked and released them. I  
had let out a tiny weak smile at the sight. He pulled me into a tight  
embrace and whispered his sympathies low enough for me to hear and no one  
else. I thanked him and moved on towards Wufei. It was a miracle he came,  
so I didn't invade his personal space too much. Instead, I extended my hand  
with the hope we could become friends. He accepted with an identical weak  
smile that my face carried.  
Even though I had used up my one wish, I still prayed. Just last night, I  
prayed that Wufei would come to the funeral today, and he did. I prayed  
that Trowa would break tears for the first time, and he did as well. I  
prayed that Quatre wouldn't rip himself inside out over this, and so far  
that seems to be working also. But there was only one prayer I could ever  
wish for myself. I prayed that Duo knew somehow, someway, that I loved him  
deeply with everything my heart had to offer.  
Suddenly, I was taken aback by a gentle breeze of wind that caught my  
cheek. Strangely enough it lingered in the very same spot that Duo touched  
with his fingertip that night he gave me his cross. I looked off in the  
direction it was blowing with a lifted spirit. I knew right then that Duo  
did cross the pearly gates and into Heaven. As I closed my eyes and got  
deep into thought with the wind, I could have sworn I heard it whisper,  
"thank you, thank you..."  
  
//See as your life changes as you're pulled along by time....// 


End file.
